~King Arthur is a movie that came out so we’ll get that out of the way off the top~
King Arthur is the painstaking recreation of the 2004 film of the same name, painstakingly recreated in video game form as a painstaking crecreationar of paintings of a movie. THERE ARE OVER 20 MINUTES OF FOOTAGE FROM THE MOVIE INCLUDED IN THE GAME, 20 MINUTES MORE THAN ANYONE IN HISTORY HAS EVER SEEN OF KING ARTHUR. In every level you are given the choice between two people, one of which clearly sucks, so leave them for the second player when playing in Co-op. They’re player 2, only barely human, and deserve nothing finer than the table scraps of the elite. It stars Clive Owen as a sword, and his horse, who displays sickass moves on the dance floor.
It plays like a mixture of Dynasty Warriors and Gauntlet: Dark Legacy…the GBA versions. The UI gives me fond memories of original PlayStation launch titles. Every single menu in the game has a button prompt in the lower-right corner of the screen that prompts you to press Circle for help, which in many cases actually displays instructions on how to use the dpad, or even instructions for single buttons (X for accept, etc.). How or why the single button prompt on the screen is a separate help menu and not the actual button help that would explain how to navigate the menus I have no god damned idea.
There was one level where the enemies took the time to chop down trees to cross a lake that was less than a foot deep. I walked through the river back to them and hit them with my sword until they stopped moving and disappeared.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine immediately lies to you on the back of the box by stating that the game is “PS2 Exclusive”, as if the same game from the same developer bundled with bonus Wii Waggle is somehow a beautiful and unique flower. X-Men Orajel: Wolverine stars Huge Ackman in yet ANOTHER game where he doesn’t sing, instead opting to use violence and growling to solve his problems. The game features levels smaller than some 80s arcade games, a notable one being the 12’x12′ inside of a barn – even the original Resident Evil provides more uninterrupted gameplay. And he doesn’t even sing!
The game provides several platforming sections, to which it conveniently doesn’t feel like explaining – only inconsistently providing button prompts for interacting with the environment, which send Logan ricocheting around the room like a pinball. Combat is basic, and most of the times I was killed was due to enemies pinning me into the corners of the incredibly restrictive environments. He did have a boss battle which retroactively made me hate Shenmue, Resident Evil 4, and God of War for re-introducing QTE events, but other than the howling laughter caused by running around as Wolverine in his boxer shorts, there’s nothing to enjoy. He doesn’t even sing! Or do magic.
X-Men OJ Simpson: Wolverine? More like Les Misérables!
Van Helsing, if that even is his real name (I have severe trust issues) is like Darkman: wonderful for 99 minutes before it melts into a hot, bubbling mess. While I can get behind any game that has Dracula walking on the ceiling, as well as Mr. Hyde and Frankenstein WHO I KILLED WITH A SHOTGUN, I don’t understand why it had to spiral into fighting seemingly-endless hordes of goblins and skeletons. I’m not afraid of skeletons. I have one. If anything, the human body is like a skeleton plus, since I got all the meaty bits and clothes and stuff. I could body shame the hell out of a skeleton, because I GOT ONE. I’m more threatened by my own poor decision making skills than some bonehead who doesn’t even have the appropriate vocal hardware to scream in pain, which I can only assume is the primary impulse of any skeleton.
The environmental art is great, but Huge Ackman (the main character) never sings in the game. What a pity.
Note: I’ve started a GameFAQs account so that I can poop into the same history that I commonly rely on for assistance in some of the more…off-the-radar games that I end up playing on stream, including my beloved movie games. But instead of just pooping them into the time void of their site, I have my own embarrassing Internet Crime Factory to soil! So, that’s the origin of these donut holes of video game fever dreams.
I was hoping this game was going to be a re-skin of Bloodrayne, but I guess half of it is apparently Marble Madness? The framerate stuttered more than Scatman John, as I piloted our lithe heroine through a murder-based fashion show Running Man/Smash TV/Death Race 2000 TV program? A lot of the game involves playing with your balls, sometimes even killing people. With your balls. It stars Academy Award Winner Charlize Theron Guard.
It also came with a ticket to the movie that has no expiration date, which I look forward to arguing over when an art theater “rediscovers” the film in ten years.
also I need to post a picture of the only other thread in this forum