There’s a line, conveniently in the sand, that I dare not cross. My integrity is rock solid, my resolve steel (or was that reserve), my dignity incorruptible. Well, unless I get bored and don’t know what I’m doing.
I’ll be the first to not only admit that I’ve succumbed to being a hypocrite, but that I’m really damn good at it. Personal rules on never looking up FAQs, never quicksave scumming go right out the fucking window the second I get bored on stream. Let’s face it: games can be fucking ruthless (either intentionally or through inconsiderate design) so I feel it necessary sometimes to fight fire with fire…if the game pulls a knife on me, I pull out a rocket launcher.
Having dropped into the ending portion of the last full level in Rick’s campaign, I nearly immediately punched out of any position of virtue. Ten minutes of wildly swinging a sword like a shithead at ghosts (who don’t even seem all that interested in murdering me) and it’s on to GameFAQs. There’s a specific enemy I have to kill, which I only would have known if I had gone out and killed every enemy inhabiting the level (which was the plan I had pulled out of my ass once I started to get lost). Five minutes later, and surprise! I’ve made to Imhotep.
One of those video game things happened. Sure, I tried the boss over and over, getting punched in the mouth until I stopped moving, over and over again. Then, randomly, I managed take him down perfectly, avoiding all of his attacks and striking at every opportunity. Funny how that shit works sometimes. Either I somehow managed to compose myself long enough to unveil my ultimate form, or the game may have somehow compensated for my stupidity and adjusted the difficulty on the fly (Press X to ‘Doubt’). The reason I don’t believe this is slowly unfurled over the next hour of gameplay.
Oh, God. The Scorpion King. The final boss of Rick’s campaign, and apparently the final boss of my patience. The walkthrough on GameFAQs states:
"Boss: Scorpion King Consists Of: Scorpion King Difficulty: Hard/Impossible Finally the last boss. This guy is tough, you probably won't beat him first go or even second. Actually it'll take between 20/50 attempts before you're successful. I was on this guy for 1 whole hour! That's the longest it's ever taken me to beat a boss."
Over the next hour, I ran headfirst into this Rock-faced shithead over and over again, traveling without moving. The beginning of the fight was simple, made sense. But even following the FAQ to the letter resulted in more deaths than a session of Lemmings with an uncapped framerate. After an hour of staring at Dwayne’s face, I just decided to call it a night. I’m sure this boss fight is going to be one where I either magically do it on my first try the next time I pick up the game, or accidentally bug my way through it. I’ll just have to play it over and over to brute force my way through his health bar.
I really, really hope the second campaign as Imhotep makes up for the massive filler sections of this one. What started out as a cool, more open world take on tombs and exploration ended up being funneled into a number of increasingly boring and empty maps with no real direction or understanding of how to proceed. The kind of game where you just keep playing until you accidentally understand what you’re supposed to do, several hours after you’ve given up caring. If I didn’t hate mummies as much as I do, I don’t know how I’d be able to stick with it. Speaking of Mummies, I’ve decided to accelerate the Mummy program! Wednesday’s streams will now be the exclusive domain of the continuing Mummy Chronicles, which coincidentally could be the name of a new The Mummy movie that takes place in the 1950s and has Brendan Fraser helping a young upstart crew escape the clutches of Imhotep. Uh, that is to say, until I’ve burned through the rest of this title, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, and The Scorpion King, Wednesday is going to be the same Mummy time, same Mummy channel. BE THERE.