I think there’s a certain point in everyone’s life where you take a look at the food you’re eating and day dream about what it’s like to be a chef. Maybe you’re eating spam & rice over the kitchen sink (while crying), wondering what life is like on the other side. Not of the drain that whisks away your adult shame, but as some sort of highfalutin city chef. A master chef, who always has milk and frowns whenever someone pays less than $50 for a hamburger. If my memory serves correctly, chefs only have maybe three months of schooling over doctors, so they’re obviously superior. But…is there an easier way?
Well, yeah. You can follow your natural impulses to get drunk, order the cheapest Amazon “sexy chef” outfit you can find, and fake it ’til you make it. Even if you lucked your way into a job at the local “Chez Bullshit”, you probably wouldn’t make it through the first day. What tipped your hand? Was it the unhygienic nature of the apron with the exposed crotch? Maybe the profuse swearing from kitchen each time the oil popped, coupled with exasperated exclamations of “I’M NOT EVEN A REAL COOK!” at the slight bit of pressure gave it away. It’s going to require a bit more finesse, at least to convince yourself, that you’re America’s Next Top Master Chef (it’s pronounced “CH-eff” by the way…you’re welcome).
Sure, you can vaguely resemble a chef, but can you talk like a duck that walks into a walkie talkie? You have to be able to use certain words to both impress and strike fear into the hearts of foodies and fellow chefs alike. French words like “soufflé“, “omelette du fromage“, and “Je suis une fraude” are sure to trick people into buying your god awful kitchen concoctions, sucking down the slop like the pigs they are, and begging for more. People trust you if you say stupid shit with confidence, acting indignant when challenged. Why do you think it’s a trope for a chef to go apeshit whenever their food quality is questioned? Well, I didn’t want to admit this here, but…
NEWS FLASH: ALL CHEFS ARE FAKE.
Yes, you heard me right, all chefs are fake. They’re all slicing and frying their way through an industry shrouded in the terrible fear of everyone else finding out the dark secret that they are all bound by. To live a chef is to live a lie, the lie of telling me I’m uncouth because I dropped half my steak on the floor and it was too expensive to waste and they yelled at me and I threw my plate and had to run out of the restaurant while wolfing down my floor meat as a man with a mustache chased me with the bill I’m getting off topic. Being a chef is a lot like being a child with really expensive lego blocks, assembling ugly masterpieces…expect that the blocks weren’t consumed on accident, but sold to the highest bidder. And they ate them. And they liked it.
Damn. Now I want a TV show where Hugh Laurie plays a know-it-all chef who solves crimes through cooking with evidence. Teach him how to sing and you’ll have the most popular television show of all time.