The Origins of Science

Having no education other than what I’ve picked up on the back of shampoo bottles, bus ads, and men’s room doodles, I’ve always wondered about where all of our wonderful technology has come from. After careful deliberation and several gulps from the bottles under my kitchen sink, I think we may be rapidly approaching a viable theory.


We can’t just jump headfirst into microchips and drones, that would be like expecting cheeseburgers to roam the fields and beer bottles to be plucked from trees. We have to understand the basics, the how and why. For that, we’ll have to go back pretty far, to when shoes were just a myth, and bathing was believed to infect your brain with devils. Not that far off from today, to be honest.


Scientists didn’t have a name yet. Anybody could be one though, due to the low ceiling and the ease of discovering shit. The first parts of science were pretty easy to do, as the vast majority of tasks included just naming things that you found on the ground. Nobody could dispute it, as everyone was equally stupid and none had books, literacy, or internet to bitch on.


The real breakthough was the advent of fire. Not like just actual fire, but combining fire with things. Science is largely based on fire. You can only imagine a scientist with a stone oven combining fire with a piece of wood, and seeing it magically disappear. Combining oil with fire, and marveling at its disappearance, presumably to heaven. Many scientists crawled into the oven, they themselves becoming a part of their exploratory work. Progress in early science was constantly being rolled back due to the high death rate.


A lot of scientists died for their craft, not just by studying fire first hand, but through every possible hazard imaginable. Holding your breath too long? Scientists did it. Staring at the sun until your head explodes? Boom, science. What does lava taste like? Yum, science!


It’s true, really. Science and its practitioners are like selectively bred idiots. They’re too stupid NOT to do everything, yet smart enough to record the combinations of things that have already totally killed the last guy. It’s like mapping a minefield by sending people into every square foot and writing down each square where one blew up. Truly, a noble profession.


So, the next time you see a scientist picking their nose and waggling a fork in front of an outlet, thank them for their contribution to the world, clutch your precious smartphone, and stand at least 50 feet away from the light show. For scientific purposes.