(Oh my God I think there’s a slight chance…at some point in the past…I was a crazy person? This is from 2013.)
Ok ok ok, I know that you’re already predisposed to disbelieving a sentence starting with three reassurances, but this is the part where I plead for you to indulge me in a vague attempt to convince you that we’re both from the same species.
Television I could take or leave honestly, I think all of the real storytelling and character development is happening in braille. Which makes me better than you, as if I needed another reason to yank my own crank. What if animals read in braille? Would we be amazed that they could read in general, or SUPER amazed that they could read, and in braille no less? Not a rhyming joke, but I bet a snail would be really good at it. If a dog wanted to know where another dog had been, and was blind I would assume, maybe it could lick another dog’s butt in an attempt to read it. And that implies some sort of ridiculously specific evolution on the dog’s part, not only for the previously mentioned braille literacy, but for the ability to scrunch its ass into really high resolution shapes. Maybe dogs should use morse code instead, with a series of barks and yelps to communicate trivialities and coordinate public urination. It would be sweet to see a lion use morse code, though. A Lion bolting for its prey, going to top speed and stopping every three seconds to rub its paw over the grass.
Abraham Lincoln using a banana as a gun. I’m going to go on eBay and buy a toy bus, so that every time I need an excuse not to do something, I can just drop it on my foot or toss it up in the air and let it smack me in the head…and I’ll videotape it, and then tell the uninteresting parties that I got hit by a bus and won’t be able to make it in. It’ll be technically correct, and if anyone ever chastises me for doing it, I can blame the fact that they themselves must not be very detail oriented people and should probably be more inquisitive when dealing with matters of work or bus. If I REALLY wanted to make it authentic, I would get a job as a bus driver, and then park the bus at the top of the hill without the parking brake on…and then I would throw rocks at the front of it until the bus rolled down and hit me. Then I could take the whole week off work, because I would probably be dead.