Ghost Ride the Bike

Given that the new Marvel vs Capcom game has finally been released this week, I’ve taken a bit of time to finally push myself towards learning my way around the wonderful world of Marvel. They’re fun as hell to watch, but I’ll be damned if I’ve ever been able to pick apart what was happening in the vast cloud of particle effects, 255 hit combos and super moves. I think I’ve found my allies in a combination of Ghost Rider and The Hulk, although the more time I spend pressing buttons and learning their idiosyncrasies the more my mind drifts into Under Siege 2 (that is, “Dark Territory”). Here, let me explain a little bit of what is currently floating around the organic lobster tank that holds my brain.

So, I’m not the best at comic book stuff, even though I was fairly active with them during the big boom of the 1990s when literally everyone was reading comics, or trading comic cards, or playing the video games while hoarding opened copies of The Death And Return Of Superman to exchange for mansions at some unspecified point in the future. Some of the characters I don’t know the origins of, or am unfamiliar with their powers…hell, there are a bunch of them I flat out don’t even know exist until they pop up on a movie poster. One character I only have a passing familiarity with is the aforementioned Ghost Rider: as I would describe him in casual conversation, “A guy on a motorcycle but he’s not a guy, he’s a skull and he’s so mad that he’s on fire and I can’t imagine how he isn’t in constant pain”. Having spent more time with the good Ghost lately has brought up a few special questions.

 

  • Is Ghost Rider a skeleton, or a leather suit with a skull floating on top if it? Like, the suit is everything and he’s just this skull balanced precariously on top of the leather outfit constantly worried about falling on the ground and embarassing himself in front of criminals (or whoever he fights? Does he fight people? I would assume so)
  • Wait. He’s called the Ghost Rider, but he’s a skeleton. Are skeletons ghosts? They seem like they would be part of a different crowd and probably not get along. Why isn’t he called Skull Rider or Skeleton Rider or something equally shitty when compared to the way better name Ghost Rider? Is he the Ghost of a Skeleton that died after being wrongfully accused of a crime? Maybe he’s the skeleton OF a ghost that had unfinished business in the afterlife? Wait, if he’s the Ghost Rider, maybe the MOTORCYCLE is the real Ghost and he just happens to be a flammable human framework?
  • Does Ghost Rider eat or drink? If so, does it just slosh around inside his leather jacket, or pool in the bottom of his pant legs? Does he have a weiner, or does waste just sputter from the bottom of his motorcycle when he’s on the road?
  • How does Ghost Rider talk if he has no vocal chords? Does he talk? I would assume that a movie about a flaming ghost that doesn’t talk would get pretty awkward after 10-15 minutes of him screaming (presumably due to being on fire at all times)
  • How does Ghost Rider see if he doesn’t have eyeballs? Maybe the screams serve a purpose, like some sort of flaming land dolphin using fear/pain location to find his victims (or criminals, I’m still unclear on this part but he definitely seems to be well-liked in the superhero community so I’ll take their word on it)
  • Has anyone ever seen Ghost Rider naked? Does he have a weiner?
  • Ghost Rider has demonstrated the ability to vomit fire. Why wouldn’t he just be doing this at all times?

 

I’m sure some of these points are answered in the comic books, or in the movies (I know for a fact that one of the Ghost Rider trailers has him peeing fire on somebody, which from personal experience I would advise you to avoid altogether) so it might be a good idea to check those out at some point in the future. I will note, though, that I didn’t learn a damn thing by playing through the PS2 game. In general, it may not be a wise idea to take a fictional tale about a spirit of vengeance in the form of a flaming skeleton at face value.

 

NOTE:

I found this picture which might help with quite a bit of my line of questioning

Come on baby light my fire

Wait…how is Ghost Rider able to lift all those heavy chains with naked skeleton arms?

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