Do The Monster Mash

In the last few years, there has been a bubbling resurgence of the classic “giant monster” movies. Godzilla, King Kong, Pacific Rim & Colossal have kept the torch, and many major cities, lit for a new generation of fans to purchase licensed merchandise. There’s an almost childish sense of awe that comes from the idea of a giant monster wreaking havoc on a city, your city, displacing your normal existence and throwing everything into a chaotic escape from the rut of routine.


As expected, I’m curious about a few things. Details. Pieces of the puzzle that don’t quite line up when I dig into the naughty bits of the idea.


I’m not going to pretend I’ve seen every film under the sun that deals with the problems that come from being menaced by giant monsters. For every King Kong (1932) or The Deadly Mantis I’ve seen, there has been a King Kong ’76 or Terror of Mechagodzilla that may very well have answered my stupid questions before they popped up into my head. I’d like to explore some of them.


First and foremost: do all of these monsters have their junk hanging out? It’s a question, and I’ve gotta ask it. Surely these things reproduce, right? They don’t just appear from a normal species after having their eggs blasted with radiation, or being dropped from space, or wherever the hell they come from. That’s what I’m trying to figure out, where they come from! Take a look at the handy chart below, and whistle if you can make out any sort of genitalia (note: I will not accept faces that look like genitalia, unless I have the act captured in animated GIF form).

That’s a huge bitch!

I’m not seeing anything. Which is fine, I guess, maybe they’ve got like weird dog dorks and they fold up like crotch umbrellas or whatever. Hell, maybe it’s an occupational hazard. Maybe the monsters with huge exposed sexcessories got whooped (or sucked) out of existence centuries ago. Still, I’m willing to bet at some point, a child has looked up in terror, just to turn their head slightly and have “the talk” upon going home to their fathers that night. Speaking of places to stick dicks: Where da anuses at?


Yeah, so, if Japan has several different giant monsters, why isn’t the entire city covered in massive piles of shit? Is that just one of those things where the movies are trying to be super tasteful and not displaying the reality of the situation, or maybe a problem with budgets? I find it hard to believe that a producer or some such would willingly deny me my God Given right to watch a 55,000 ton monster drop a 10 ton deuce on the morning commute, just so it can roar with laughter as it watches the turd explode when hit by a bullet train. That’s what I would do if mutated to giant size, shortly before I died because my physiology wouldn’t support such sudden growth.


Godzilla keeps it classy by breaking up a sexual assault


Lastly, what the fuck is Godzookie? Nobody wants Godzookie. Even Godzilla tries to eat him in the fucking intro for the animated series. Who did Godzilla take down to bang town to end up with this flying trash bag, this crack baby mixed with Denver the Last Dinosaur? Where is SIDS when you need it?

At least Gigan was smart enough to pull out


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